The Idiots’ Survival Guide for the COVID Lockdown
Hi there. If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you’re a fucking idiot, but don’t worry, I am too. We all are. That’s the beauty of humanity, we’re irrational, stupid, stupid creatures and one day the earth will shake us off like the case of bad fleas that we are.
Anyway, onto the show!
Ontario announced new restrictions. The gist of is, stay the fuck home, but since more or less everyone is too stupid to understand that, here are some pointers.
Will you, or a friend or relative immediately die if you don’t leave your house right now?
If the answer is no, stay the fuck home.
Have you run out of food?
If the answer is no, stay the fuck home and eat that goddam can of green beans at the back of your cupboard.
Does little Porter need a new polo shirt because he doesn’t like the shade of green on the one you ordered from Amazon?
If the answer is yes, I don’t care, stay the fuck home and tell Porter to suck it up.
Are you a right, or left-winged nutjob who will DEFY orders just because you’re a complete moron who thinks the government’s goal is to control you?
Please organize a large gathering in your house with all of your friends and let nature take its course.
Are you a reporter confused about…
It doesn’t matter, you suck and you are the problem. Shut the fuck up and stay home.
Why can Walmart stay open, but my boutique naturopathy bath and body product shop can’t?
Because people can’t eat soap, unless you grew up in the country like me and your parents washed your mouth out with soap when you said the fuck word.
The government said it’s ok to go to a playground or a park, but there are already people there and my group of 14 people want to play! THIS ISN’T FAIR!!!
Well, since it’s winter, but the temperature is not that cold, there is an alternative. Find the nearest body of water that is almost frozen and play a new game with your friends. See who can walk the furthest!
Old Navy is having a sale!!! I wanna go!!!
Shame on Old Navy.
Yeah, but I saw a story about one person who had an experience that contradicted the new rules!!
One day we’ll be replaced by robots, and that day can’t come soon enough. I’ll dumb this down for you. Get 10 people on a zoom call. Get all 10 to agree on a 5-topping pizza. If you successful accomplish this task, you are qualified to ensure that 14.57 million people behave in the exact same way until the pandemic is over. Please run for office.
Yeah but the government is REFUSING to be clear!
Fair point, but the main problem is you are REFUSING TO THINK! Do you work in a comic book store? Will people die if you aren’t at work? Probably not. Will your business go under. Maybe and that sucks, I don’t know what to tell you.
I AM OFFENDED BY THIS POST!!
Watch this.
In all seriousness, c’mon, every government is in an impossible situation to manage. THEY are not responsible for the rules and enforcing them, you are.
We are all doing the best we can with what we’ve been given and 2021 is going to be the same as 2020. Take care of yourself and your loved ones, stay home, take up meditation, stay safe and, ironically, knock off the ‘pile on’ mentality.
We’re all angry and stressed out enough, and yes, that includes the government who we’re supposed to hate and judge just because that what’ societies do. They’re in the same boat as us lowly citizens.
I wrote this to let off some steam, and hopefully give you a good laugh. If it didn’t work, no need to twitter-cancel me, just change the channel and move on.
